Coping With
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp

Coping

Just an over view of how I am affected by and how I cope with/manage my different conditions/disabilities.

Aspergers/Autism 

I guess my being an Aspie mostly affects the way I relate to, interact with and socialise with other people, I guess I cope with this mostly by staying home more than I go out, having most of my contact with friends/ other people through other medium such as the internet and texting. If I am going to a party or to spend time with a friend I usually try to prepare myself ahead if time, know where I’m going, what’s going to be happening, who else will be there and plan an escape route if I think I will need one, sometimes I’ll pick a person to help me sort these things and make sure I don’t freak out too much.

Change and routine are also affected by this, I don’t like much change and split second decisions can be hard on me, although if the day has been going well enough and I have something to look forward to, I cope a lot better with it (like the other day my brother text me to say he wanted to go look at some kittens, we made some plans, went to look at them and he ended up taking two home and I really liked the kittens so I decided to stay at his house that night, I didn’t have any of my stuff but the kittens made it okay to deal with). I have a routine of sorts, that can change on any given day, although usually not by much, all big changes are planned ahead for. I have my things such as when I get up in the morning I take my purple blanket, drink bottle and cell phones to the living room and put them by my seat and computer, I turn on the laptop, I go to the bathroom, visit my mice and then go to the computer and depending on the time of day/day of the week I go to check the letter box too.

I use stimming as a form of calming when things go wrong or I just feel the need to stim, although I tend to not admit it too freely, I pick my nose as a form of stimming, sometimes I don’t even notice I’m doing it (gross I know) rocking back and forward is one of the stimmings I do when really anxious in a public or social setting, if I am really stressed or upset banging my head on a wall or table helps calm me (my teachers at school didn’t like that one much) and on some occasions when things get too overwhelming covering my ears, shutting my eyes and rocking back/forwards and moaning or humming happens to, it htis happens I just need to be left alone to sort things out for myself.

So all in all for my Aspergers I need to be prepared and try to warn people who will be engaging with me in a social setting of what could happen and what my needs are.

ADHD

My Mum was explaining ADHD to me once and said that there were 3 kinds, the common one with that short attention span and hyper daytime activity (my brother has), the sleepy one where you attention span is short and you learn a bit slower and are very active/hyperactive in your sleeping pattern, i.e tossing and rolling a lot while asleep (my big sister has) and what she said I had which is the sleepy-sleepy form where your brain processes a lot slower than others and you are often very lethargic and tired but at night you brain wakes up and works over time making it hard for you to switch off and go to sleep, also the short attention span thing happens too.

I used to be on medication as a pre-teen but have gone with out for years now as it didn’t do much to help, mostly I just try to get sleep when I can (often during the day works better than at night) take short breaks when I have to concentrate on one thing for too long, but that’s about it really, not much I can do.

APD

With my auditory issue I have a lot of trouble processing what I am hearing, especially in loud environments, school classrooms were particularly hard as I would be distracted by a sound and unable to hear what was being said, if someone was having a conversation next to or behind me I would only be able to listen to them and not the teacher. but now as an adult I still struggle, I mishear what is being said, someone might be saying “I can do this because I’m over twenty” I might hear it as “I can’t do this because I’m over fifty” and even though I know that they are over 20 and not over 50 I still hear it wrong.

Trying to read in a room where other people are talking or watching TV is nearly impossible for me as all the noise will filter in and I will start seeing the words on the page as what I am hearing rather that what they actually say. I can’t eat something crunchy and watch TV at the same time without missing half of the dialogue because all I am processing is the sound of the crunchy food and not the sound of dialogue. I prefer to watch TV alone and on dvd/online so that I am able to stop and rewind multiple times so that I can puzzle together what is being said, especially needed if there is background music or sounds in the show.

To cope/manage I try to avoid important conversations in loud places, I try to read body language to gage emotion to try and determine if one of two words fits better, i.e I am talking to some and I hear “it made me really really g-something” I look at body language to determine if the word “giggly” or the word “grumpy” fits better or if I really didn’t hear I will try and notice how the seem to be feeling and answer based on that.

I will often ask people to repeat what they said but often don’t hear it even after 3 or 4 times which can be frustrating for me and the person speaking, when I can I try to use non-verbal communication to lessen the risk of mishearing especially if it is important. I am hoping to learn to lip read to help me get by in conversation. I have tried subtitles but I often can’t read the fast enough or at all due to colour or lighting or how far away the screen is so they don’t really help, that’s why I like to watch alone and in a quite place to be able to hear more, be able to pause and rewind when needed.

Dyslexia 

With my dyslexia I apparently have the rarest form (especially in girls) classical dyslexia, it affects my reading, writing and even my speech. I am a writer and an avid reader but it came later in life as I just couldn’t get my brain to process the words being read. I am a terrible speller and have some real trouble with the letter “E” it tend to leave it off of words that need it and add it on to ones that don’t e.g I would be trying to write “I got a letter from the doctor today” and it’ll come out “I got a letter frome th doctor today” which is frustrating as hell to me. another problem I have is words moving around when I am trying to read, I know that they aren’t actually moving but my brain sees them as doing so, I might be reading a line in a book and look away for a second only to look back and find the line somewhere completely different on the page, or I might not see a line at all the first few times I look only to find it another time or the trusty letter “S” that likes to move around like a snake on the page…very distracting.

I am also very verbally dyslexic too, words come out wrong all the time, one night I was trying to tell my brother something about the movie ‘eight legged freaks’ and it came out as “eigth fregged leeks” and to this day (it was like 5 years ago) I still have to say it over and over just to get it to come out right.

to manage I just take my time, when writing I use spell checker and read over things multiple times, when I speak I may have to repeat it more than once to get it right, I just need people to be patient, as I find it frustrating enough to deal with I don’t need people getting upset with me.

Depression 

I have for years, since the age of nine, suffered from quite severe depression, struggled to get through days without breaking down and sobbing. to get through I try to think positive, try to find a reason to live and something to look forward to. I make promises to myself and to others to keep from doing something stupid…it’s the best I can do, I am not on medication for any of my issues, although I think I probably should be at least for the depression, anxiety and insomnia.

Anxiety Disorder 

Although I do not have n official diagnosis of and anxiety disorder I am pretty sure I could get one if I went and saw someone about it. My anxiety can be crippling, I suffer from regular bouts of strong anxiety and panic attacks, sometimes for no reason and sometimes due to stress or social anxiety. Do my groceries is horrific for me, the actual shopping bit is okay if it’s later in the evening and on our regular day, less crowded, less noisy and if we come through our normal entrance so that we do a lope around in a certain order, I also have sever anxiety near the end when it comes to checking out, so I have someone stand with me if I can, I use a calculator to lessen the chance that I’ve spent more than I have.

Anxiety brought on my stress I tend to work through by texting a friend who talks me out of a panic attack first by asking about the stress, addressing the problem and then moving on to normal conversation to distract me, all of which is very helpful. I also find that biting or scratching myself to cause a little pain eases my anxiety a little as my pain/pleasure senses are pretty muddled together. Also allowing myself to think about fanficiton and nothing else takes me away from the stress of reality and puts me in a better place.

Insomnia

due to my ADHD and Aspergers I have a lot of sleep issues, mostly brought on my a Melatonin imbalance and an over active night brain. Not much helps, excpet maybe staying awake for a couple of days and letting myself crash after that or short nana naps during the after noon work well to.

Eyesight

I don’t really know much about my eyesight issues but I have trouble getting my eyes to focus on colour and words that are either too close or too far away, my reading glassed help for some of it but mostly I just put up with it until I can eventually afford to get my eyes tested again.

PCOS

It’s manageable, it affects my ability to ovulate regularly and gives me horrible and regular painful and heavy periods. It causes me fertility issues that lead me to start this blog, at the moment I am not under going any fertility treatment but will in the future when I am in a position to start a family.

It is one of the main causes/triggers for my depression these days but I am muddling through.


Thoughts on Life
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp

Just some thoughts tonight…

I was listing some my official and not so official diagnoses tonight and looking at them I thouth, jeeze I thought it was bad back when I only had three labels, but damn they keep coming.

Officially I have Aspergers, ADHD, Classical Dyslexia and APD (Auditory Processing Disorder) and PCOS and eyesight issues that need reading glasses (should really use those) as well as unofficially insomnia,  clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I’m pretty sure having any one of those would make for a slightly harder life but all of them, fuck it’s a wonder that I can function at all, but some how I do it, I get up in the morning and I put on my smile, I work, I do my shopping, I got about my life struggling constantly just to try and pass as some what normal for everyone around me.

but it’s not easy, to be in a near constant state of panic, of trying to do less obvious stimming so that no one picks up on what I’m doing. it’s not uncommon for me to leave a social setting covered in scratches, bit marks and/or bruises because I got so anxious that I started hurting myself to try and calm down a little.

I’m used to getting things wrong in conversation because I can’t filter out the noise or process what’t being said and just adding my own words in, trying to make sense of what’s being said. I’m used to words coming out of my mouth completely wrong from what I was saying in my head because it all got jumbled in the process of being thought and being spoken. I’m used to not being able to read the signs because they are too far away or in the wrong colour or just plain moving around. I’m used to feeling so sad, so lost and so down that I don’t want to move or think or breath. I’m used to the late nights on the computer, the nights spent tossing and turning because my over active night brain wont turn off and let me rest and get some sleep. I’m used to seeing babies or pregnant people and wanting to fall to the ground and sob because I want that so badly but know it might never happen .

I’m used to all of this because it’s what I go through every single day, some days are easier than others and some days I wonder how the fuck I even function in this world even just a little bit, how am I even walking and talking and going through life? Sometimes I really truly want to just quit, I mean this is really a lot for one person to live with and go through on a near daily basis, but not only go through it all but try to hide it, to be ashamed of it, to feel like I need to be the one to find a way to function in a way that is easier for others and not easier for me, just gotta keep on chugging, keep on going and hiding and trying not to complain because it might upset or disrupt someone else.

I do try not to complain because when I do, people give me a hard time about it and I feel more guilty that I already do. I know it’s kinda stupid to feel guilty about who I am and how I feel and how I function/don’t function but I do feel guilty and it can make the other stuff ten times worse than it already was.


Poem: Escape
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp

Sometimes I need to escape, escape to a world that isn’t this, I let it slip, reality falls away and fantasy comes out to play. I hide from my pain behind a wall of fiction, the characters become more and more real so that I don’t have to think, to feel. I’m ma writer, true, but I feel like a faker too. Sometimes I escape, sometimes I let reality fade and let the fiction stay.


Less anger, more hope.
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
 I’m less angry today, less angry at the universe. This isn’t the end of the world it just feels like it sometimes, I don’t want to feel like this but it hurts to think that I’ll never have it easy in my attempts in becoming a Mother.

I still want to cry and sometimes I want to give up on life. I feel like the universe is picking on me and making my life so hard. I still feel kicked when I’m down and there is still anger, and perhaps lots of it but maybe a little less than yesterday.

I’m clinging to hope now, hope that my dream of being Mamma will come true, it might not come as easily as I want or in the way I had first intended but I still have hope that it’ll happen in some way at some point.

I’m a lesbian and Polyamorous so there will hopefully be plenty of wombs and love to go around.

I still have dreams and hope for the future and today I’m clinging to it, it’ll get me through the days and that’s all I can count on for now, just gotta get through the day.

Damn those dreams.
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
 I use to enjoy the dreams at night of becoming a mother, the babies that would one day be mine and the children who would one day call me Mamma. The dreams of roundly pregnant bellies that belonged to me, the wondrous and due to being a dream, painless labours.

last nights dream of babies that were my babies was painful when I woke up and realised it was just that, a dream. But I am not going to give up on trying to make these dreams come true for me.

But still, damn those dreams and their taunting.

Never going to be a Mum!
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
 “You’re never going to be a Mum!” “You’re never going to be a Mum!” those words yelled in my face, tauntingly by my eight year old niece. All I could do was shut the door on her and walk downstairs!

Those words! why those words? and why now, why this week? I wanna cry, I wanna rage and scream at the universe “Why do you hate me?”

She doesn’t know what’s going on, she doesn’t know about the fertility issues I have and that I only found out this week. But still those words were yelled in my face by a child non the less.

Oh it hurts, it’s killing me on the inside. The words are going around and around in my head…it’s all I can hear, all I can think about.

FUCK IT, FUCK IT ALL!! I hate everyone right now, I hate all those happy people and their children, I hate me niece for breaking my heart into a thousand pieces. And I hate myself the most, I feel like a failure, I’m made to be a mother, meant to be one, but I probably can’t.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU WORLD, FUCK THE UNIVERSE, STOP SCREWING WITH ME!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessed but Broken
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
 

I feel so blessed and loved with all the support I’m being given, every hug, physical or virtual is doing wonders towards helping dealing with the pain and grief I’ve been feeling since I got the news about my fertility or lack there of.

I’m feeling the love and the support that’s coming from all corners. I’ve been blessed with so much love and so many people who care but I still feel broken and lost in grief . My dreams aren’t completely crushed…I still have options, right?

It’s still hard and I’m still grieving and I think being a nanny makes it both harder and easier, harder in the fact that I’m surrounded by children and babies and the lucky parents who have them but easier as I know I’ll not have kids in my life and that it’s a slight relief.

I’m not giving up, no way, I’ll fight as hard and as long as I can to become a Mamma!

I’ve gone to hell and back in life already and I’ll do it again and again as long as I get my kids in the end!!!

Poem: Taken From Me
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
Taken From Me

You may not have been conceived yet but you were mine, your faces stared up at me with love whenever I fell asleep or closed my eyes, you were there calling to me and saying “Mama when will you come for me?” I love you all so much already, you are my children, my babies!

And now when I close my eyes your faces are still there but they’re blurry now, so hard to see clearly, it’s like you want to be born but you’ve given up on me, you seem to say “Mama don’t you want me? Aren’t you coming for me?”

Well Mama’s sorry babies; Mama wants you, she wants you so bad it hurts but she doesn’t know if she can have you anymore because the universe decided to take you all away from me. It breaks my heart and all I wanna do is cry I feel like someone’s taken you from me.

But I won’t give on you, no! I’ll never give up! I’ll fight to bring you home to me, fight to have you in my arms one day. Mama hasn’t given up on you so please babies, please don’t give up on me. I love you and I want you to be here with me, I’ll find a way for your souls to come to me here on earth.

I won’t let them steal you from me for good, you’ll be mine...I promise you my lovely babies! You may have been taken from me for now but you’ll never truly be taken from me!
 

My world falling apart and so much anger to go with it.
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
 I feel like my world is falling apart and I don't know what I'm supposed to do, how I'm supposed to go on... I guess I should back track a little. I went to my doctor to get on the waiting list for some minor surgery and that's all good and getting sorted but I complained about my periods ect and was sent for some blood tests and discussed some concerns I had about my fertility.

So I went and got the blood done and went back to the doc when I finally had the funds to do so. My blood work was fine, he was rather surprised but then we talked of my fertility and that's when I got the news that is tearing my world apart "your chances of conceiving without help are practically nil" it was a blow but it wasn't until I was on the bus home that it hit.

I might not be able to have babies, might never get to be a Mum...I know there are other ways but for me it'd be hard because I'm a lesbian and in NZ we gays don't have the right to adopt and fertility treatment is expensive. My doctor told me to find a partner and get government funding for fertility treatment. 
 
It might not seem like the end of the world to everyone but to me it does and to anyone who really knows me, they understand, they know how much I wanted to get pregnant, wanted a huge family especially with a house full of kids who call me "Mamma" but there is a chance I wont get that and I'm so pissed off at the universe!!!
 
I'm angry at the parents of the kids I look after, they have these gorgeous kids and they go off and leave them, I'm especially angry at one of the Mums who had an abortion earlier this year, she had a baby growing inside of her and she through it away, I want one more than anything and I might never get the chance.
 
I felt lied to, as a girl you grow up being told that when you're older you can have kids, you'll be a Mum if that's what you want...well that's what I want and I might not get it...I want to scream and rage at the world, I want to break down and cry, I want to go to sleep and never wake up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want this to all be a dream, I want to wake up and find out that all those babies I planned to have, the ones whose names I've had picked for years are still going to be mine.
 
Right now I guess I'm grieving for the dream that one thing in my life would work out, that it might come a little easier, isn't being gay hard enough? isn't being autistic hard enough? No? lets make her want to have babies more than anything and take that away from her! I feel picked on, it's like I finally found something I want, something to live for and then BAM! it's gone.
 
And then I feel guilty, feel guilty for being angry, guilty for being in pain...some people have children and lose them, some people are born into the wrong body and have to fight to have the right one, I feel bad that I feel so hard done by when I see my little brother practising how to give himself his own testosterone shots and  walking around with huge breasts hoping that someone will help him get his top surgery or when I see my sister's girlfriend trying to have people notice her for the wonderful "GIRL!!" she is and see past the male body the universe fucked up and gave her. They can't have children the way their gender should allow them either.
 
And then the tears come and I wanna scream and shout to the world "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" I wanted this, I wanted it so bad and it might never happen, and then I get angry, I still get my period, FUCKING get it all right for 6weeks at a time, but only a few times a year...not enough ovulation or regularly enough to pinpoint when it happens so that I can get out the turkey baster and try for a pregnancy.
 
Now I'm stuck waiting, hoping that the universe is done fucking with me, done kicking me when I'm down and will let me find "the ones" yes ones, I identify as polyamorous so you never know, the girls out their for me might make me a Mamma and I know I'll love those kids, love them to the stars and back but I'll always be angry, always feel that sense of loss if I never get to birth a child of my own. 
 
For anyone who is curious, I'm 19, 20 in December...but I've always been older, I've felt my clock ticking since I was 12 and my periods started and now its a broken alarm clock, it's ringing like mad but I can't seem to turn it off.
 
So for now I'll cry to myself, and try to come to terms with what this means, I'll feel the anger but bury it deep, I'll ride out the guilt and try to help others, I'll internalise it all like I always do, I'll suffer in semi silence and hate myself as I have for years...was it so selfish of me to want this? to want something for me?

Supernatural Fic: Brotherly Love
Ben, Emma, Winchester, Supernatural, Dean
otkcp
Summary: Sometimes Dean hated being Sammy's big brother, especially now that his brother has turned into a pain in the ass teenager hell bent on doing everything he's been told not to.

Warnings: Spanking, swearing and violence.

Brotherly Love

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